My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
