My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
