someone threw a dead crab at me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
