There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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