I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
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