if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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