I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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