My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
