My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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