I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
