I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
