No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
