I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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