Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
