life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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