those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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