theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
