She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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