What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
