Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
