just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
