Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
