if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
