I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
