all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Did I show you my penis last night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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