I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
