Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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