I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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