i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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