Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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