its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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