Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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