I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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