Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
