you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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