do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
please come you make the beer taste better
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
