I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
my being single is dangerous.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I said "one day" and that day is not today
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
