im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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