I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
