My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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