from now on my penis is your penis
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
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