can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
