the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
