How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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