can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
True college students do jello shots in the library
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