you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
