I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
