Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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