Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
