i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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