Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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